With the mounting offseason NFL player arrests, and the growing popularity of mythological football player, Tim Tebow, I thought it would be fun to speculate on what it would be like if Tim Tebow were to get arrested. Now, I’m pretty sure his arrests wouldn’t fall into the usual categories of DUI, spousal abuse, and weapon possession, as Timmy is a man of God. But I think I have found at least a few potential arrest scenarios that Tebowites and New Jersey Jets fans should watch out for.
Scenario #1: Steroid Possesion
Let’s be honest, Tim Tebow’s arms are about the same size as Fred Taylor’s legs, and he doesn’t look like he’s trimming down much at all since last season. There’s a lot of pressure on Tebow to rise to the occasion in New York this season since Mark Sanchez is proving to be more of a 4th round pick than a 1st round pick. By moving Tebow to the wildcat, and lining him up on kickoff duties, I think the Jets are putting him in a position where he may need to roid up just to stay on par with other NFL players. Don’t be shocked if you see Tebow down on one knee in a courtroom some day trying to explain himself.
Scenario #2: Aggravated Assault
NFL players frequently go out at night to celebrate wins, and end up in nightclub dust-ups that land players in jail. Just because Tebow doesn’t drink doesn’t mean he couldn’t get caught up in one of these brawls protecting his friends, or defending some skank’s honor. John Travolta ended up in jail in that movie Michael where he played an angel, so obviously it can happen.
Scenario #3: Identity Theft
No, I don’t imagine Tim Tebow would ever knowingly steal someone’s identity to commit fraud, but if he leads the Jets to the Super Bowl there are gonna be a whole hell of a lot more people who think he’s Jesus Christ.
Scenario #3: Disturbing the Peace
This is probably the most likely scenario of them all. Being a celebrity in Denver and Gainesville is one thing, but being a celebrity in New York City means Beiber like crowds of dumb guidos and paparazzi who never made it in LA. Can you imagine the crowds of ugly NYC skanks this young pure man will draw in? Girls in New York haven’t seen a guy with less than 3 venereal diseases since Studio 54 opened up. Tebow’s gonna need constant security if he wants to survive his time in New York.
Scenario #4: Murder
Now this isn’t murder like OJ did, but all the community service and free circumcisions in the world won’t cover for the career killing spree he’s about to go on within the Jets’ organization. Imagine this…. Tebow lays low running the wildcat and covering on kick returns for a couple of months while Sanchez gets off to a decent start. The Jets are in range of grabbing the AFC Wild Card spot as the Patriots are pulling away, when Sanchez goes down with a torn ACL, thrusting Tebow into the starting role. Kid goes on to set passing records in three consecutive games, runs for 15 touchdowns over the course of the season, and upsets Tom Brady and the Patriots in the playoffs en route to a Super Bowl appearance. Unfortunately the defense can’t hold on while Tebow throws for 300 yards and runs for 2 TDs in a valiant loss. In the off season, the Jets buy into all the hype, dump Sanchez, go out and spend all their tailback cash on acquiring two more stud receivers. In 2013, Tebow lays goose eggs for 6 straight games. He has gained weight, lost interest in the game to focus more on his religious commitments, because by now half of the eastern seaboard is thoroughly convinced he is in fact some kind of higher power. The Jets end up 1-15, Tebow retires to build shanties in Guatemala, and the Jets ownership fires everyone.
Sure it’s a stretch, but ask Kyle Orton and Josh McDaniels their take on it, and then feel free to comment.
Let’s just hope Tim doesn’t get arrested, reveals himself as the son of Jesus Christ on the day the Mayan calendar was supposed to end, and we all happily instantly travel inter-dimensionally to heaven before that stupid piece of sh** Eli Manning wins another Goddamn Super Bowl.