Tebowmania is here to stay. Like it or not, his legions of followers and droves of disciples aren’t going to let sacks, interceptions, losses, or sound logic and reasoning stop them from genuflecting at the altar of Tebow each and every Sunday. It may be a day of rest, but for Tebow and his flock, it’s a call to arms.
Like any religious movement, Tebowism has it’s nonbelievers. As an Anti-Tebowite, it may seem easy to disparage and ignore the fanatics. But, in the words of Sun Tzu, to know thy enemy is to know thyself. The Tebowite takes on many forms and spotting one isn’t always easy. Luckily, there are enough traits of similarity to pick one out of a bunch. Unfortunately, they generally travel in packs, distributing misleading literature and spewing propaganda, so if you see one you’re probably already surrounded. Without further ado…
What do you see? An innocent child? A young girl just hoping to get a high five from her favorite football star? Wrong and wrong. This is a classic example of the indoctrination starting out at a young age. The mind is a sponge, and older Tebowites have filled this girl’s brain with lies and false promises. Don’t try to save her; it’s too late. Just turn heel and run. No use in even trying.
This intense group likely traveled over 1000 miles to Witness. Mile High is a veritable Mecca for Tebowites, and no matter the cost or sacrifice, his people shall come. These five belong to a specific sect of Tebowites known only as the Orthodox. Note their sunglasses, for traditional teachings prohibit viewing Tebow without proper protection. It’s both out of respect for No. 15, and for fear of a mystical blinding light that is said to blind even the most ardent believer.
Some Tebowites became disenfranchised with some of the more traditionalist views of the original Church, so they broke away in what theological scholars refer to as the Reformation. The original Tebowites shunned things like abortions and gay rights, among other things like passer ratings and completion percentages. This fan chooses to openly admit his love for Tim, which is a sign of the times we live in. Despite the fact that his beliefs conflict with the norm, he is still able to express himself as he sees fit. Just don’t bring up Kyle Orton, or you’ll see him turn to violence.
Legend has it that this girl was blind, deaf, and a Raiders fan before feeling the warmth of Tebow’s touch. Instantly, she renounced her Raider fandom and for the first time, saw the light of day and heard the good word. These are the rarest of fans, but also the most dangerous. They’ll claim to have felt his power firsthand, and they will be the least receptive to talk of nonsense like “throwing mechanics,” “timing,” and “progressing through reads.” Approach with extreme caution.
The Only Tebow Fans You Want to Meet
For The Record: I’ve seen the light.