FTR Exclusive: Tiger Brings Muscle to Sawgrass

by David Sacco on February 19th, 2010 | Featured, Golf, Other Sports

There are 180 professional golfers on the PGA Money Leaders list alone, all of them are gunning for Tiger Woods, and he doesn’t let any of them throw him off his game. He is not going to let a member of the media throw him any curve balls. He is barely going to let some media do anything, but report. Literally. According to sources at TPC Sawgrass:

The staff began taking notice of extra security walking around last week, everyone knew something big was going on, they just didn’t know what. The Mangament was informed 24 hours before the press conference held to announce that Tiger was coming to the surface to break his silence. They were instructed not to tell their staff until the news hit ESPN. All staff members were required to get a photo Id card yesterday, which would give them clearance to get onto the premises. All staff members, including the restaurant staff, were told to report to Sawgrass at 7:00 am regardless of when they were scheduled [this includes those scheduled to work the night shifts starting at 4:00 pm]. They will be held in prepared break areas, until they need to report to work. Cell phones will not be allowed on the premises. Anywhere. The club will turn away all Tee times and blockaded the front of the property in order to keep unauthorized media away from the conference .

I had no idea an event involving the #1 golfer in the world, involved in a sex scandal, required the same level of security as the pope, or the president. I didn’t realize paparazzi with cameras and iPhones were as dangerous as snipers with M107 riffles and 5.5-22 x 56 mm tactical scopes. The guy is completely normal. What guy doesn’t like sex and golf?

The only people who aren’t addicted to sex were sexually abused by their uncle Jeff, and probably are now addicted to secretly cutting themselves. The only guys that do not partake in these activities don’t have the means. Guys don’t find girls they want to spend the rest of their life with, they marry the first girl, out of their league, willing to bang them.

And don’t let girls fool you with their “he’s not cute, I don’t care how much money he has, I wouldn’t F him” Because they would if he bought them a BMW, or paid off their student loans, and they know it. I am sure he could get most with a pair of boots.

the American public cares more about a golfers sex life than any other story out there, of course he was going to control the circus. When it comes to things not involving skanks, Tiger is the most controlled person on the planet. He can have this conference in the press briefing room of the White House if he wants because he is Tiger Woods, and everyone wants to hear what he has to say. He can interrupt any golf tournament, at any time, to read whatever scripted erroneous apology he has prepared. Other golfers can whine, but they are only mad because despite the fact that he is only going to be reading a statement, the world will be glued to their TV and computer screens, waiting, and not watching Ernie Els golf.