Righteously Unrelenting Utterly Hilarious Sports News

Jordan sat down with Stuart Scott to talk about his new job title, explaining that he’ll be more fan-owner like Mark Cuban than a suite-sitter like Jerry Buss.

It’s old news that Michael Jordan has purchased majority ownership of the Charlotte Bobcats, becoming the first ex-player to ever own an NBA team, but his mustache should be a headline tomorrow.

Mustache March seems to have stretched as far as Jordan’s house, because this familiar looking style is very reminiscent of probably the most infamous mustache in history. He may be going for a double soul patch, but i think Jordan missed for once here.

Just sayin’

Tim Tebow in his roll as a quarterback in Florida’s pro day.

Many of you may think we’re joking about how much we hate Women’s basketball, so to clarify everything, here’s a list of thing’s I’d rather do than watch the Women’s NCAA Tournament this March.

10. Get a Root Canal

After searching Google Images for root canal pictures, I figured it best to just give you a picture of this chick instead. Root canals bad. Breast Implants…. good. You get the idea.

9. Give Myself Swine Flu

Everyone I know that had it lived through it. Can’t say the same for guys I know who watched women’s basketball games.

8. Clean Public Toilets on Skid Row

I’m sure they only get cleaned once a year anyway. Why not do it in March?!!

7. Throw My Dog Into A River

Spot shooting and routine bounce passes are great for U9 basketball camps, but why would I bother watching a bunch of dudes with ponytails do it in a quarter-packed basketball stadium with the hope of one day playing in the financial tragedy that is the WNBA.

6. Watch The View Live in Studio

Listening to 4 menstruating women talk about world politics and Heidi Montag in the same sentence is still better than looking at Pat Summitt’s corpse-like face.

5. Move to Somalia

With all the pirates controlling who gets what, it would be close to impossible for me to find out that UCONN beat every team by 30 points or more.

4. Get Date Raped by Ben Rapistberger

I’m not saying he sexually assaulted that chick in Georgia. I’m saying he’s gay.

3. Shoot Myself in the Leg

Two good things about living in CA as opposed to living in NY:

1. If I shot myself in a club, I could probably actually sue the club somehow.
2. By the time I wake up, half of the Women’s NCAA games on tv have already been played.

2. Impregnate Amy Winehouse

Hope you aren’t reading this on your lunch break. Sure cutting off my dong was gonna be #1 on this list, but this is pretty much the same thing.

1. Set Myself On Fire

I can watch people do layups all day down at 24 Hour Fitness. Why would I waste my time watching girls do layups on tv with commercial interruptions for tampon applicators and PETA Public Service Announcements?

Sphere: Related Content

Broncos coach Josh McDaniels has said nothing indicate that their is a quarterback controvery in Denver, but Brady Quinn has announced he wants to start.

“I’ll put it this way, I think every quarterback on our roster wants to play,” Quinn said. “Believe me, whether it’s Tom Brandstater, Kyle, or myself, we’re all quarterbacks. We’re going to be team players first, but we all want to be out there playing.”

Mike Holmgren decided that Seneca Wallace has more potential than you, which basically makes you Tim Couch, but you were able to escape a team which offered your limited skill set very few tools in order to help you succeed, and you landed on a team with a great line, run game, and receivers corps.  Let’s take it one dream come true at a time, and maybe Kyle Orton will get injured.